i am so drained, deadbeat and disappointed at myself. i think i have really just hit a low point with lit and i dont even know how much lower it can get because i think i created this personal hell for myself. its like you have so many expectations and you really really want to do good but in the end, these expectations just really blind you doing anything and accomplishing what you originally wanted to accomplish in the first place.

its always your own shackles that are the hardest to break and I think i can attest to this fact.

never felt so emotional over something so mundane like an essay. never felt more mentally weak and vulnerable over something like a piece of paper with words on it. (plus its my own writing).

whether it gets worse or better, i think i am too exhausted to feel much. just let me go overseas already, i think to myself. but right after that, i get disgusted with such thoughts. clarity of thoughts is translated in clarity in writing. i need to think clearly. anyhow, i will survive. i dont even know if i should be romanticising such struggle or not because honestly, the fact that im feeling it now sucks. as much as i want to tell myself oh, i can do this and there is so much more to learn when you fail than when you succeed which i agree in my head but cannot understand this with my heart.

please, let me let me get what i want this time.
no no this will be the first time...

i was happy in a place of a drunken hour
but heaven knows im miserable now
in my life
why do i give valuable time