Sunday, September 8, 2013 @ 9/08/2013 10:54:00 PM
I was happy in the daze of a drunken hour
but heaven knows im miserable now
I was looking for a job
and now I found a job but heaven knows im miserable now
In my life
Why do I give valuable time to people
who dont care if I live or die?
- The Smiths, Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now
I love love love the Smiths for helping me through so many rough patches in my life.Their music simply speaks to me in an unspeakably truthful manner. 'This is exactly how I feel right now' as I listen to it.
I should be happy but I'm not. I'm whining about the lack of events I have. Or so I think. Compared to my friends who are all being smug about something (nothing). Smug Naomi overloading and participating in shitload of school activities. Smug YehChi busy making new friends and acting all popular over CCA exco. Smug Jiayue getting a new boyfriend. Smug Shimin working in some company.
I am doing absolutely nothing (or at least in their eyes). All the time when they tell me about all these happenings and then look at me and say 'so what are you doing?' and I simply stare back straight into their eyes which are like small black tunnels that go far far back into their enormous multi-tasking ever efficient brains and wonder aloud 'yeah what am I doing? I am doing nothing'. Sometimes, I come up with lame excuses but even they could tell that I'm making pathetic events up.
And they look at me with their smug pale moon faces and say 'oh really? you can't be doing nothing' and they laugh with scorn. Some awkwardly, others rather gleefully. Those who respond to my made up events are also half-hearted. In fact some of them simply redirect the conversations back to their lives. Then they stare at me with tinges of assumed superiority while I cowed in guilt and embarrassment.
I should do something. I should join something. Be a being. I always end up thinking about it and yet in the end I DO NOTHING. HA! That's when chorus part of the Smiths music comes in... lalala
'in my life why do I smile at
people who I much rather kick in the eye'
tum tum tum tum tum taa ahh
I love Morrissey's voice. It's like the closest thing to drugs I can get in Singapore. I get super high listening to his croonings.
You have to conform. You ought to be part of some group. Any group. And worse, if you are single you must be prepared to mingle. You must bathe everyday. You must make your bed every morning. Why can't you be normal?
Well guess what? I have done none of those over the past few weeks.
And yet strangely, I am not unhappy. I am behaving as if I have depression but I highly doubt I am depressed. Apparently showing reluctance to be part of any social group and finding no meaning in daily routines are some of the few signs that depicts showing signs of depression.
In fact, I enjoy being smelly. Why make your bed everyday only to fall asleep within the next 10 hours? Why do I have to be part of a group and feel the need to be accepted? Why do I need to do anything? Who says I have to do anything?
Besides, wasting time is a form of action. I am monitoring NYFW very closely. I am reading poetry and feeling the angst of John Keats every time it rains and I can write an essay about his works. I am struggling with William Blake but I like to mimic his style. Because I think he is really cool and super abstract. I get to act all fake and pretentious sometimes with such things. I get to act all fake and pretentious all the time with some people. I love Alexander Wang. And Hedi Slimane. I am looking for old Kate Moss photos. I am feeling the compulsion to buy black clothes. I feel like a new blank canvas.
Except the main question/answer is I am only not unhappy. There is a distinction. Between feeling happy and being not unhappy. Never mind how my friends are behaving. Productive work and active participation does not equate to happiness. That's all. Why am I still not happy?
Ah! The pursuit of happiness! I should hurry up and write more. I feel moderately happy when writing. Except that I'm lazy. I am the only obstacle of happiness. I am the only source of happiness.
I am full of bullshit hahahahahahahaha peace out suckers!