throughthelookingglass
about
To be honest there is nothing much about me worth knowing. I live in an island, enjoys being a photographer at times and dance like no one else business. Thats all. I can't think what to write for now so it just stays like this. Welcome to the little life of mine and lets try not to get utterly bored, shall we?

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We're all mad here


Checklist to reassure oneself
Wednesday, July 10, 2013 @ 7/10/2013 01:44:00 AM

Characteristics of Narcissistic Behavior:

  1. She insists on being the center of attention, and is often the most charming person in the room. Narcissists are very outgoing and excel at marketing themselves. The last part sounds like me but I don't think I ever insist or try to be the center of attention...
  2. She often seeks favorable treatment, and automatic compliance. She believes that she is special, and that she deserves fame, fortune, success and happiness. Yep that's true I do believe that. 
  3. She is highly materialistic. Hmm debatable.
  4. She is prone to envy, though she presents as supremely confident. She seeks opportunities to undermine others, and enjoys sharing confidences about how the two of you are better than others. Don't understand.
  5. She lacks empathy, and even common courtesy at times. She puts others down, including you. She does not hesitate to exploit others. Most people I exploit deserve to be exploit. MUHAHAHAHA
  6. She is very competitive. Am I?
  7. She believes that she is intellectually superior to her peers. HA at times when they do stupid things!
  8. She blames others for problems. Narcissists don’t believe that they make mistakes, and lack the ability to process shame. HUH no leh? I always feel shameful when I do stupid things.. 
  9. She displays a haughty attitude when she lets her guard down or is confronted. She will act impatient, arrogant and condescending. She will often excuse her own shortcomings by claiming that others are pressuring her or expecting too much of her. Nah. 
  10. She is dishonest and often lies to get what she wants. She will never admit this. I admit this does this counts?
  11. She is “psycho:” She engages in risky behaviors, has an addictive personality, and is prone to aggressive behavior when rejected. (Note: This is most common with Histrionic Personality Disorder.) Hmm I contemplate aggressive behavior but never execute....
  12. She is unpredictable in her moods and actions. You have trouble figuring out what she wants and where you stand. YES. 
  13. She is capable of short-term regret, and will apologize profusely if backed into a corner. However, she will quickly rationalize her behavior and return to narcissistic patterns Yar... 
Ok so I googled to see if I do indeed have narcissistic behavior. Turns out maybe just a little bit but hey, its necessary for survival alright. I prefer to call it self-preservation ( the Sorting Hat did get something right about me!)  I'm doing my best to "try and open up to people" and overcome some "serious abandonment issues" here haha ok not exaggerating but my statistics arent helpful. There is YP, Zoey, Kristy, YR maybe even some of my current friends haha  and yep I think that's about it. Abandoned by friends I thought would last me forever. Oh wells. Seriously stop harping on it already and move on! 

Besides, it's not just me, everyone is sort of in the "me-culture" these days. Just take a look at some of the rubbish people post on Facebook from themselves about themselves. Then there's the whole selfie pictures and the Instagram phenomenon-  seeing your own life through rose-tinted filters and how everything seems so awesome deluding everyone including oneself about one's own awesomeness. 

It's so easy to get warped up in the whole shallowness of it all. As you click refresh each time, watching the number of hearts increase you feel a sense of self-validation as more people "like" your photos - the sense of self-worth and indulgence. All these photos depicting your life that you choose to display and be liked. You want people to want your life. You want people to like you.  

And that's totally fine. 

I can just go on but on the other hand, I think that such me-ness isn't necessarily all so negative sometimes. Yes, it can be destructive yet it can also be progressive. After all what is yourself? So what if you crave for some attention, some sort of acknowledgement from others to know that they enjoy your presence. It shapes who you are and what's wrong with that? Those that help you become a better person is always useful to keep around. Personally, I feel that my identity is always changing- same but different. Some nature, some nuture some a little bit of mixed up nature/nurture. I can't even tell anything anymore. I shape shifted so many times to suit other people's behavior that sometimes I don't even know my true true self anymore. For my family, for my friends, for the driving instructor that I hope to pass my driving test, for interviews.....

Childhood feels so far away at times I remember flashes of it randomly while some periods felt like a long lost dream. Did it happen at all? Ah memory, blessed memory I am experiencing some of your trickery now. This must be what it feels like. I will be experiencing more of such exasperations and mild delights soon in the not so distant future. 

Just like when you think you've got everything settled BAM! Just when you thought you had some kind of morals or goals or people or things or food figured out BAM! Just when you assumed you know everything BAM! 

HAHA wtf is with the "BAM!"?! 

All the world's a stage. And I am merely a character. I need to read Kafka soon.Die Shakespeare die!  I bet he would have tons of things to say. And for the record I'm not a narcissist get over yourself bitch! I am a healthy functional female being in need of love and give love and also ought to stop procrastinating on achieving my life goals. I have found friend(s) that love me as much as I love them (cues Rihanna song "we fell in love in a hopeless place") and people that love me despite my insecurities and idiosyncrasies and of course vice versa. 

That is why in conclusion I am a Slytherin hahahahaaha kidding in conclusion I will never commit suicide (if I ever it MUST be a murder! IT MUST BE! Seek justice for me!!) hahahaha also kidding in conclusion there is nothing to conclude because the search for such people to love and give you love will never end until death do we perhaps be liberated of such feelings like love and become immortals. 

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