Rationalizing the Irrational
Monday, June 24, 2013 @ 6/24/2013 12:12:00 AM
Nothing much exciting has really happened since ARTS camp. I feel neither excited nor worried.
This is true. I am not trying to act cool. (omg it rhymes this part is cool!)
The camp went as planned and there isn't much to say except that I made a lot of friends and all of them are terribly enthusiastic about meeting me and pretty much everyone and everything else.
The haze has been horrid though and I am slightly put off by it. The worst I had to endure was during the last night of camp when we were suppose to be heading to a club. With the PSI at 351, drinking whisky outside Esplanade with a very hazy view of the Singapore's Shenton/MBS skyline was not a good idea.
Inside the club, the dry ice haze was also completely unnecessary because I was certain that my eyes were already fuzzy enough not to have a clear vision of anything. I didn't dance very long of course, ( I already knew I wasn't that type) so I headed out to try my first cigarette. I swear it was the only thing that made the haze disappear because all of a sudden even the shadows became illuminated. (No I didn't become a vampire I simply tried a Marlbaro)
I don't know if I was doing it right but the guy who taught me was very encouraging haha "suck it in down to your throat then breathe breathe BREATHE!" I was totally rolling my eyes at him. It is hard ok for a first timer! I don't think I got the "high" feeling but my chest certainly felt colder so he said at least I'm doing something right...
We walked around and after a while more people came out and we started strolling aimlessly and accidentally witnessed a full body makeout session in the bushes. The senior that I was with, was damn funny he kept saying " don't look don't look" like he never watched porn before and ushered us hurriedly away. When we returned somehow there was a police car and we heard that somebody tried to fight a bouncer from the club.
So I don't really understand why previously people kept telling me stuff like how university is a whole new world and that they learned a lot because for me at least, things like these are never a major factor. Childish people exists everywhere. Some of us are just more so than the others. I would never claim myself to be extremely mature because honestly that's just being plain childish to near arrogance state. And I cannot tolerate hypocrisy of that form. I act more childish than I ought to be sometimes but at least I'm acutely aware of that when I do so. Some people are just so blind.
I am typing this because right now I am so angry at my immature parents. HELLO GROW UP and stop the cold war. They practically somehow fought again while I was in camp, frightening my younger sister well enough for her to wake up suddenly in the middle of the night and SMS me. Of course at 345am I was well in the midst of playing "shoot shag marry" and I didn't take it too kindly when some of the guys started shooting me.
When they went on about talking about their ideal mate, I thought I felt irony at the highest level because there I was SMSing furiously back at my sister and my dad trying to save somebody's marriage and you want to talk to me about love.
I feel so overwhelmed by things like that sometimes and how lonely I can be because I don't think there is anyone I want to talk to about stuff like this at times. Most of them think that I'm extrovert-ed enough to express these feelings anyway but I don't think I ever did that face to face. I am simply staring at my computer screen now as I typed this. The other half just don't feel too intensely at all. It's like I probably would take the whole day trying to explain to them how painful the experience can be and by the time I'm finished they would most likely think I'm joking. (That is good by the way sometimes being too intense is not healthy look at me.)
People feel close enough to tell me things and strangely enough I don't know if I ever said anything back in response. Plus I feel like as if why should I bore them with my life when they are already busy enough with their own and since everyone is so selfish I wonder if they ever appreciate me listening to their inane problems at all. I know I felt horrid when I made Esther listened to mine that one time because she is so brilliant and she should be not wasting time doing not so brilliant things.
That's why I have made up my mind to accept the offer of Leeds in UK. There is nothing and nobody left for me in Singapore.
I feel constantly weighed down by my family who are always taking advantage of me and friends that are always waiting for me to take the initiative to meet up I just want to wonder how did I land up in this position at all? It just sucks big time.
It's like now when it comes down to who you really are and who you want to be, I hate it when I choose who I really am. So now I have decided to choose something else. I want to be someone I want to be not someone always there for my family and putting them as my first priority when I am not even theirs. Can you imagine I seriously considered leaving camp to come home and see what I can do? How stupid is that.
Ok continue again part two I want to cheer myself up before typing again so I shall go watch random Korean drama first.
|TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,|
|And sorry I could not travel both|
|And be one traveler, long I stood|
|And looked down one as far as I could|
|To where it bent in the undergrowth;||5|
|Then took the other, as just as fair,|
|And having perhaps the better claim,|
|Because it was grassy and wanted wear;|
|Though as for that the passing there|
|Had worn them really about the same,||10|
|And both that morning equally lay|
|In leaves no step had trodden black.|
|Oh, I kept the first for another day!|
|Yet knowing how way leads on to way,|
|I doubted if I should ever come back.||15|
|I shall be telling this with a sigh|
|Somewhere ages and ages hence:|
|Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—|
|I took the one less traveled by,|
|And that has made all the difference.|