I think it is because part of me just don't like to deal with pain. Call it cowardice but I prefer to see it as self-perseverance (which we Slytherins are known for).  Part of me just want or will my memory to forget it. Writing it down or at least, typing it out on this blog makes it feel real and that the pain inflicted upon me really did happen. 

I feel as if I should be a little bit more truthful. I shouldnt be just picking out happy memories and posting it on the blog. It's like painting an overly unrealistic memory of my entire existence and I do so much want to be honest with myself.  

I admire people who can talk so easily about anguish or pain, discomfort or shame. I have too much pride to do so willingly. In fact, I think it borderline unnatural. Initially I saw them as wimps but now, I am not too sure.

There are so many defense mechanisms to deal with pain ( avoiding it, deluding yourself, expressing it, confronting it, laughing at it, simply letting yourself submerge in it) and I don't think there is only one sort of "best" way. The trick lies in finding out the healthiest and most effective solution to move on.

There are definitely moments when I wished I dealt with pain more correctly. My friendship with dodobird, my friendship with zoey, my issues with my mum's favoritism for my sister...sigh. I am suddenly so upset again just thinking about these times I am going to make myself happier by telling you the times I dealt well with pain. 

The much better situations: my grandad's funeral that happened suddenly when I was retaking 'A's and I think that's it.

I have too high expectations of myself. Reminder: I am only human. Is it even possible to look back during those difficult moments and congratulate yourself and say, "wow yingli not bad you did a good job for such a bad thing?" HAHA I think not. Most people would be so deep into feeling the extent of their sufferings to feel irony. Only people like me I guess..conscious enough to make a list. At least right now.  WEIRDO ALERT!

(Suddenly feel like I can relate to Meg's character - the human memory is fallible and subjective WE REMEMBER WHAT WE WANT TO REMEMBER from the TBP hahahaha Pinter is a genius)

I don't know why but I have a tendency to brood on things. So pain don't leave me as quickly as I wish it does. Neither does shame. I remember all the horrible upsetting things that happen to me quite sharply when, where, who. How is another matter. How is subjective. My fault? Their fault? I don't know. 

It's not like I bear grudges or maybe I do but the thing is that I can just remember. 

But a good thing about me having this sort of character also means I remember all the happy things and am often grateful to people who probably didn't know I remember them. Who, when, where and even how they helped me. 

I remember everything. 

And yet from an objective point of view, I remember nothing. because nothing is truly accurate when it is from a personal point of view.

Maybe those people only helped me because they were in a good mood, maybe I got lucky, maybe.. and you idiotically hold so fond memories of them.

I remember nothing. 

I think I am going to read Nora Ephron book again. Yes, the one called "I remember nothing" pun intended I am so lame. 

I started this post thinking that I am going to pass a sweeping declaration that from now onwards I will try and be more honest and write more of my darker periods in life but now that I think about it, that is not really within my control. It is in my character that I don't always want to share it. So why bother? hahaha plus Chairman emos too much sometimes over unnecessary stuff (oops!) and I'm like waaaay not like that *whips hair*. 

On a somewhat related yet unrelated note regarding PHYSICAL PAIN: the Nike Run went almost as I expected. Yes, my stamina dropped, did it in 32mins instead of 30mins but no muscle aching AT ALL which means either I didn't exert myself much OR I can run so much more. 

I am going to try half marathon again. The last time was just PAINFUL to think about. I fell at the beginning of the race, threw whatever expectations I had, walked along the highway with blood flowing constantly from my knees down to my socks.

Felt like I was truly fucking alive. (Hello F word! First time usage in my blog! Look out for more of it because part of the "honesty blogging" comes with more of my uncensored thoughts. While you dont hear me using it in everyday conversations, my own thoughts are definitely more vulgar. From finding my spectacles in the morning to random times like getting my head hit suddenly by the bottom of my toilet sink as I bend down to get toilet paper..let's not go into there..)

One of pain most useful and maybe only purpose. To make you feel human thus highlighting happiness.

Peace out.

Or not yet. I have a little more to add. The fact that I can actually blog about this means 2 things. Some of the painful memories are on its way to healing. I am thinking about my friendship with dodobird and also some personal shame... it feels less painful now to think about it.

I hope it gets better. It's like removing the band-aid moments when the wound is no longer fresh but still at the same time very vulnerable. Take care of it and slowly bit by bit new cells regenerate like magic! Do stupid stuff, it will bleed again.