Tuesday, November 23, 2010 @ 11/23/2010 02:51:00 AM
I have a sudden inspiration to blog at 2.51am in the morning. After eating instant noodles with Perrier water and watching a bit of Golden Horse Awards, my mind feels sharper than ever. God I'm gaining weight instead of losing it! GAH!
Alright and I am going to blog about fear.To be more specific my fear. I met Esther LMH aka Chairman, just today so I think she probably knows abit about them already. Well, this is the more elaborated version.
First of all, these days (I guess boredom is driving me to some point whereby I keep questioning myself) every night as I lay on my bed, I think of the CRAZIEST, WEIRDEST, FUNNIEST stuff. Which obviously does NOT help me to sleep. Worse of all, with such an active mind, I will start having exhausting absurd dreams which mentally drains me when I wake up, feeling as though like I never slept at all. The vicious cycle goes on.
Well anyway, one of the dreams definitely left me an impact which brings me back to the main point of this 2.58am blog post. Which got to do with my fears.
In the dream, I am looking from a 3rd party's point of view ( which is already weird to begin with, since its always from my POV ) and I see myself looking older maybe 25 years old (?) with slight makeup in white collar pinstripes shirt. I look professional :D roar!
Ok however, somehow this foggy vision of me sitting on the desk, sorting out tons of paper and typing made me feel empty and slowly, I drifted from one job to another. (I see myself in flashes. The scene changes and I am in different kinds of jobs..strangely I was wearing the same shirt but I think that's why its a dream :D..) Yet I was never happy. In fact I simply looked downright exhausted. And then the 3rd party-me felt a pang of realization. I CANNOT VISUALIZE MYSELF WORKING IN ALL THE PLACES I THOUGHT I WANTED TO WORK IN.
I used to think getting this "dream job" will make me happier but obviously I am proven wrong. It's like you are working towards this goal but what if the "goal" is actually not really your goal?
Just like that, the other "me" in the dream continued on and on in various sets of routines until I ( the 3rd party me viewing the dream) was unable to tolerate my own blindness and screamed and I woke up hearing my own voice, higher by 10 decibels in my head.
I really felt as if I never slept at all.
My fear is completely rational right?
And then another fear of mine involves being worried that I 嫁不出去. This is also completely rational right? After all, I am a normal female being. Honestly I imagined myself 27 years old and still single. OUCH. That is a painful image.
And then slowly all the other small minuscule fears started bubbling but after deep pondering at 3.14am, I realise that most of them comes from this.
ONE OF MY GREATEST FEAR OF NOT BEING ABLE TO MEET THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS.
If I ever encountered a Boggart ( check it out you Harry Potter idiot!) it will probably transformed itself to my closed ones looking disappointed at me. If Hermione's Boggart is Professor Mcgonagall telling her she failed everything, mine would be like my parents telling me I disappoint them as a daughter, Ms Loo telling me I disappoint her as a student, Shimin telling me I disappoint her as a friend. Ya that sort of thing.
I know how some people always say live for yourself, I really don't think I'm that kind. I live for others. I am a people's people!
OF COURSE, I share another fear similar to Mrs Weasley but that one is a bit too common I think its only natural that everyone should feel the same way. Just that the one mentioned just now was more personal.
SIGH. But whats the point of meeting people's expectations if you aren't happy with the choices yourself? A trip last Sunday to Ikea made me consider if I should ever have a child at all.
Ikea is damn packed. I was squashed between this family of three while my Dad and sister got food. Looking at how that mother coped with her young child made me erm rather horrified.
WARNING THIS IS FROM A BIASED POV YOU MAY ACTUALLY FIND THIS SCENE ERM what-you-called noble mother/heartwarming but honestly I don't.
So anyway, the baby was making a lot of noise, the father was taking his turn to look after the child while the hungry mother quickly shoved all the food in her mouth. They were obviously unable to eat quietly when their child was making quite a scene in Ikea, drawing do-something-about-your-child stares from other customers. Finally, still with a half eaten plate of salmon, the mother swooped the baby onto her arms and started to sing to him/her hoping to appease him/her.
Well, obviously the baby didn't get her intentions and cried harder, grabbing her face/hair/shirt/breast with his/her fists. Mother gives up hope comforting him/her and suddenly, still carrying the baby, she turns away, flipped her shirt and stuffed her nipple into his/her mouth.
After awhile, even before my Dad and sister came back from purchasing the food, that family had already left (with their plate of salmon still half eaten.) I swear that was one of the most traumatising scene I've witnessed. (and I like to watch Mafia movies). I told myself shakily but firmly: I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT.
But after a while, my other rational thought came in and that was the fact that I was being selfish, immature, worsening Singapore birth rate blablabla even my own father once told me ( in one of the most uncomfortable conversation we ever had) that it was simply unnatural not to give birth. HAHA.
See! I'm scared that I'm not able to meet every one's expectations of me. But I'm also scared that by doing so, I'm not meeting my own expectations of myself and thus be unhappy later on. Plus I'm scared that even if I do both, either way I'll still regret even later later on.
Gosh I'm such a scaredy cat.
On a separate yet related note,
My mom just told me something though... after feeling agitated with my father she hissed：
"下次找老公不要找有钱的! 找一个疼你的更重要! 不然不要嫁也可以！”
Fwah win! At least my mom don't mind the fact that I remain a bachelotte! Compared to my dad, on this stand, she is more modern 一点! :D
Ok, I'm really sleepy now actually this is pure ramble so I have no idea what I just said so just wait for my Harry Potter review bah!