throughthelookingglass
about
To be honest there is nothing much about me worth knowing. I live in an island, enjoys being a photographer at times and dance like no one else business. Thats all. I can't think what to write for now so it just stays like this. Welcome to the little life of mine and lets try not to get utterly bored, shall we?

archives


We're all mad here


Summer
Friday, July 18, 2014 @ 7/18/2014 01:56:00 AM

It's comforting to be back. Summer is ending. There is a special quality about summer holidays that I can't quite describe it properly without making phallic references. Long, hot, sweaty. Summer is a penis in its finest glory. Long days. Hot weather. The sun that could burn off your skin. Everlasting sweat. My forehead shines like the exoskeleton of a black beetle.

I try my best. With great hopes, it is useless without discipline. That, I lack severely. I hope to repay it with time. Summer is discovery. Or re-discovery? How can you rediscover something that you have already uncovered or perhaps you have known all along that there is no end for it is a circular path which sometimes meanders with zigzag patterns leading to a top with no beginning.

It is nice to be back. Summer consists of thinking, overthinking and underthinking. Summer is about doing, not doing, doing something, doing nothing. Summer is ending. I tried my best.
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Catharsis and change
Sunday, February 23, 2014 @ 2/23/2014 10:46:00 PM

Do you take it I would astonish?Does the daylight astonish? Does the early redstart, twittering through the woods?Do I astonish more than they?
I set myself up for such great expectations only to fall for great disappointments.

It's like being hit with a massive wave of emptiness that I cannot comprehend. I haven't told anyone about it yet but I briefly discussed it with a few friends last night. However, I did not dare express the full extent of my angst because that will be coming off as depressing and unfriendly. And I didn't want that to happen. As much as some people believe that friends are there for emotional support I prefer to think that I should not impose such a ridiculous burden on them + it wouldn't make practical sense because they wouldn't be able to help me either. It will just make myself seem whiny and needy instead, desperate for unwarranted attention.
Who goes there? hankering, gross, mystical, nude;How is it I extract strength from the beef I eat?
What is a man, anyhow? What am I? What are you?
All I mark as my own, you shall offset it with your own;Else it were time lost listening to me

These days, I seem unable to connect with anyone. Things just happen around me, I am merely an organism part of the colossal ecosystem; drifting, breathing but not really living. I feel lost, I'm questioning who I am as a person and if I'm even doing anything with my life.

I am nothing but a bystander of my own life. A voyeur as I watch my self act and react normally. I have pleasant conversations with friends. I take meals with my family. I try to do my best work.

The stability is frightening. Whatever I do is not enough. I sound like a spoilt first-world brat don't I? I decided to do community work. The emptiness isn't leaving me but rather gaining speed, it feeds off my insecurities and grows steadily. I have been feeling like this ever since the year begun but I don't think I showed it too much (obviously). People are good at concealing stuff and sometimes, I think I try to hide it from myself too. I want it so much to be ok but it is not ok and the problem does not go away. Things start to go downhill as I pretend I'm alright but I don't feel alright and as I celebrate so many people turning 21, I feel like the last thing I really want is to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not.
In all people I see myself—none more, and not one a barleycorn less;And the good or bad I say of myself, I say of them.
And I know I am solid and sound;To me the converging objects of the universe perpetually flow;All are written to me, and I must get what the writing means.
I know I am deathless;I know this orbit of mine cannot be swept by the carpenter’s compass;I know I shall not pass like a child’s carlacue cut with a burnt stick at night.
I know I am august;I do not trouble my spirit to vindicate itself or be understood;I see that the elementary laws never apologize;(I reckon I behave no prouder than the level I plant my house by, after all.)
I exist as I am—that is enough;If no other in the world be aware, I sit content;And if each and all be aware, I sit content.

I watch flaccidly as I began to grow weary of my interactions with most people. I do not feel like talking. I lose interest easily. I do not feel like reading. Even I scare myself sometimes. There is no point trying to find the cause and fixing it because I think the best way forward is to move on.

All this writing though has been catharsis for me. In fact, this blog has helped me tremendously.  But there are a few things which I have been considering for quite a while and I think closing the blog is one of them. I cannot continue to engage in this blog anymore. 5 years. It's like breaking up with a very close friend. I don't even know if I'm deliberating inflicting emotional pain/anxiety/distress on myself just to feel something these days... but but that's a whole other thing. For this, I'm quite sure that as much as I love this blog, I cannot go on over here. It's heading nowhere. Like my life right now which means it serves no purpose whatsoever and I feel useless over here.

Instead, I will be taking a break from rambling nonsense and try to finish what I have started. My lovely nonsensical life since 16 ahhhhh the joys when I re-read my first post. The embarrassment. I'm really grateful for any readers I ever had. To those that followed this blog, thank you. The grammar is horrid, I know. If you would be so kind for this final post kindly leave your digital footprints here in my old cbox. You don't have to type your real name you know, just initials will be fine. I always wanted to know who reads my blog secretly because sometimes they don't reveal themselves but end up knowing stuff I have never told them about except typing it online. I have unblock my cbox too to make it easier to leave comments so please please please do.

I will try to return to writing online again once I manage to get a nicer webpage design and have decent stuff to write about. At the meanwhile I tweet @allisongoh and have an insta @wuyingli :))) No new plans or ideas yet but any suggestions/help are welcome. I love you downtherrabbithole and I still do. Perhaps when we meet again and I'm reunited with you it will be on happier times because you have been such a uplifting virtual online platform to me. I hope to see you soon because you remind me of a so much more carefree and simpler times that I had in Secondary School and Junior College.

There was never any more inception than there is now,Nor any more youth or age than there is now;And will never be any more perfection than there is now,Nor any more heaven or hell than there is now.
 - Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass. 

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Recess Week.
Saturday, February 22, 2014 @ 2/22/2014 02:57:00 PM

RECESS WEEK IS HERE! I have been waiting for you since forever where have you been my love?
I will be uploading congratulatory photos soon I think...

I have no idea why I'm so palpably happy because I have plenty of assignments due after this.

Things to do:

1. Film Studies essay. Must watch scene from "Notorious" again.
2. Watch the movie "Dead Again".
3. Catch up on Biz Law textbook.
4. Finish SE1101E project. Politics.
5. Catch up on Film Studies textbook.
6. Catch up on SC2204 lectures and notes.
7. Figure out the Biz Law project by hook or by crook. Google Lemon Law.

Things to attend:

1.3 hours long English Revision with China student on Monday.
2. Evening of Poetry and Music on Wednesday.
3. Audrey's Birthday!
4. 2hr30min lesson on Monday with another student.
5. Breakfast with Vivien Chua on Tuesday!!
6. Consultation and Group Project Meeting on Wednesday.

This is going to be one hell of a week!

Monday:

11-1pm: Do number 1. and 2. from "to-do" list.
2-4.30pm: Lessons with a kid.
6.30-930pm: In school for lessons.
Try and do number 4. at night.

Tuesday:

10am: Breakfast with Viv.
Do number 3. and bring home if unable to complete reading.
2.30-5pm lessons at home.

Wednesday:

Try and wake up early to complete 3.
2pm: Consult in school plus project group meeting.
7-9pm: Find someone to attend evening of poetry and music with me. (its free!)

Thursday& Friday:

Finish whatever that is incomplete on the rest of the list from 5-7 in an air-conditioned area- say Utown. I am hoping to casually bump into Cecilia Cheung there. LIKE WTF Audrey told me she's there!

BUT AT LEAST FOR NOW, before anything actually begins, I feel so pumped for the break. *does random push-ups on the ground*. I have been craving for some Me-Time ever since CNY ended. I will be having an impromptu meeting with Shimin and Jiayue tonight. Unfortunately, I left my contact lens in the dorm which means my outfits are restricted to whatever suits my glasses :(
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6 ways to delete a memory.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014 @ 2/19/2014 10:57:00 PM

Today I will teach you how to forget your worst nightmare.

1. Take a waterbottle. Any bottle. Or anything that takes the shape of a box.

2. Think of your embarrassing moment in its finest glory.You will need a few minutes.

3. Done? Great! Now pull it out slowly from your head to the very tips of your fingers. Can you feel it move? The burning sensation. Yes. Ok that is half the job done.

4. Now stand up. Jump and spin yourself round for three to five times. This is to ensure that it is really out of your mind.

5. This is the hardest step. Removing the memory from your heart. The heart is more fickle and refuses to cooperate unlike the mind. Stab it when this happen. Make the stabbing action. Hold your breath. It is an uncomfortable moment.

6. Breathe out into the container. Voila! You have now successfully remove the memory you want to delete. Throw the container away and wish that everyone forgets about what happened.

In six simple steps you have now mastered the art of selective forgetting. Tomorrow when the sun rises again, it will be another day. Remember do not blog about it as well so that next time you ever need to look back in the past you won't be able to retrace what exactly happened.


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Tuesday, February 18, 2014 @ 2/18/2014 11:45:00 AM

I'm hesitant to blog these days because I don't know what I want to write. I'm going through some sort of mini crisis. It's infuriating really because suddenly I'm feeling as if my words are failing me. And also the fact that I'm a failure for thinking that my words are failing me. Haven't picked up a pen for so long. I can do short sentences but complex ones burn me. 

I think it's the lack of retail therapy. I keep reminding myself that I shouldn't be a slave to consumerism. I must run today.

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Fishy's booth
Thursday, February 13, 2014 @ 2/13/2014 04:40:00 PM

What to do when kids from 
Ntu and smu 
Come out to play :)

 
I'm so impressed by my friend's dedication :D how can she find time to do work and do shirts? 

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Tuesday, February 4, 2014 @ 2/04/2014 09:23:00 PM

New Year is over and Valentine is coming. My friends are gone and I am detached. O me O life
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