throughthelookingglass
about
To be honest there is nothing much about me worth knowing. I live in an island, enjoys being a photographer at times and dance like no one else business. Thats all. I can't think what to write for now so it just stays like this. Welcome to the little life of mine and lets try not to get utterly bored, shall we?

archives


We're all mad here


Saturday, November 29, 2014 @ 11/29/2014 11:17:00 AM

Focus on the positive.
Focus on the positive.
Focus on the-


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I have had my vision...?
Friday, November 28, 2014 @ 11/28/2014 06:47:00 PM



“As for writing, I want to express beauty too…a different kind of beauty, achieve a symmetry by means of infinite discords, showing all the traces of the minds passage through the world; & achieve in the end, some kind of whole made of shivering fragments; to me this seems the natural process; the flight of the mind.”
— Virginia Woolf in an early journalA Passionate Apprentice: The Early Journals,1897-1909 
I feel like if I can have every conversation my way, I will talk about Virginia Woolf all day long. About how incredible her mind works and how she is able to express all of it in her writing and how her writing survived up till now for me to devour it. I worship her. I adore her. I wish she did not die the way she did but I guess it could not have gone any other way.

I am so grateful for all my literature modules this semester. It was everything which I had expected and so much more. I am aware however, that this moment shall pass but for now, I remain convinced that without it, I will have nothing. Be nothing. Empty.

And that's what she taught me. Nothing lasts forever. Time passes. Anything one desperately holds on will not remain forever. Now why will you need to read a bloody difficult book to understand the simple truth of that? Because it is not for the lack of trying. Because her art is a testament of the opposite. Because. Because. Because.

For me, I felt that given the choices Virginia had, she did her best. There is beauty in her efforts and her results are beautiful. Almost painful to bear because she makes me realize how much more I have to achieve. To make moments of transience, transcendental. I am in awe and humbled to be a woman in this world.

Turning twenty-one, To the Lighthouse is the book that defines this year for me. However, I also want to mention that having read T.S Eliot, John Keats, Jeanette Winterson (I am dying to meet her) and Charlotte Bronte, I am really impressed of the wealth of knowledge and potentials they have offered for me and for the world. Echoing the spirit of the modern artist when they say "art is religion", I believe it is true for me as it is for them. I want to believe.

On a side note: I am no fan of George Eliot and James Joyce.

***
I am officially going Europe! I have been accepted to the University of Gothenburg in Sweden from Jan-June 2015. I am exhilarated, nervous and pessimistic. I cannot shake off the feeling that I am going to have too high expectations and end up falling flat. Before that, I must say that I am going Cambodia this December as the final conclusion to my-try-everything resolution of 2014 and hopefully, by performing service learning, it will allow me to find out more about myself and the rest of the world.


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Monday, November 3, 2014 @ 11/03/2014 11:04:00 PM

i am so drained, deadbeat and disappointed at myself. i think i have really just hit a low point with lit and i dont even know how much lower it can get because i think i created this personal hell for myself. its like you have so many expectations and you really really want to do good but in the end, these expectations just really blind you doing anything and accomplishing what you originally wanted to accomplish in the first place.

its always your own shackles that are the hardest to break and I think i can attest to this fact.

never felt so emotional over something so mundane like an essay. never felt more mentally weak and vulnerable over something like a piece of paper with words on it. (plus its my own writing).

whether it gets worse or better, i think i am too exhausted to feel much. just let me go overseas already, i think to myself. but right after that, i get disgusted with such thoughts. clarity of thoughts is translated in clarity in writing. i need to think clearly. anyhow, i will survive. i dont even know if i should be romanticising such struggle or not because honestly, the fact that im feeling it now sucks. as much as i want to tell myself oh, i can do this and there is so much more to learn when you fail than when you succeed which i agree in my head but cannot understand this with my heart.

please, let me let me get what i want this time.
no no this will be the first time...

i was happy in a place of a drunken hour
but heaven knows im miserable now
in my life
why do i give valuable time
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Wednesday, October 29, 2014 @ 10/29/2014 03:58:00 PM

i am with you
as you are with me
as i am part of the world
part of a whole
part of everything.


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lit geek rant
Wednesday, October 22, 2014 @ 10/22/2014 11:37:00 PM

i am indeed studying TS Eliot! omgomg..because of the series of unfortunate events -and now i remember! I remember feeling really familiar things about him...and leta soh and my memory is all a blur because even though clearly i do not know him per say, I read his works with no intention of ever reading it again because I obviously did not understand modernism wait i mean Modernism back then who would? I was in Primary school! Haha i wonder if it is some prophetic calling since young because now that im living my younger self dreams of finding out more about writers like him, the pain is very real and he is indeed really boring but in a fascinating way. no wonder i subconsciously didnt like him before his name pops out and now i recall it was because of the influence from TSOUE and the author distinctly called him a boring poet hahahaa and Prufrock school references and the Baudelaire kids. Ah! and Esme Squalor. turns out Esme is really the lover of TS Eliot. No wonder no wonder.

and joyce! oh dear joyce! james joyce! I really did learn to appreciate his works when i'm 21! this is really me striking off a legit to-do-list i gave myself when i was 17! I remembered HAHAAHHAA i mean i dont like to read his books forever but i think there is a lot of merits in modernism. It's like looking at really good art or having really sweet chocolates you cant have too much. It makes you dizzy. having said that, I cried again reading woolf.

alas, grades wise, I am stumbling. it is horribly depressing. i feel horrible. but nevermind. dont give up i still have a few more weeks left and im dying to complete my essays. it is really stressful but i think i will be very happy once it's over. especially the Romanticism 3000 words one. i just feel really stress for that module in general.


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Sunday, October 5, 2014 @ 10/05/2014 12:38:00 PM

These days I'm getting a sense that there is something inherently wrong in the world and it fucking hurts me to know that I can't do a single thing about it. Air Strikes in Syria, Protests in HongKong and Whatever Happened in Hong Lim Park.

I feel so helpless. And drained. Because on top of all this happening outside the world, I'm living in my own bubble, rushing assignments, meeting people, doing my stuff and I just wish I just wish there is something I can do more. Like I dont even know what I can do and I feel so useless and yet at the same time knowledge of so much sufferings out there makes me feel even more propelled to be less useless in whatever ways I can. I think it is just me. I always have a tendency to cry when I read newspapers. I have no idea WTF man. 

The mess in Syria is just so darn confusing too because it seems to start way back in 2001 (?!) and there is so much conflicting news out there and so much news in general... I can't even process. I just know that there is something fundamentally wrong and I don't even know who is right and who is wrong and sometimes I'm just like screw that I dont even care who is right and who is wrong. Then I open up Facebook to cheer myself up and I get an even greater flood of information in one endless page....and I see my playwriting tutor getting married and I feel like all is not lost in humanity. 

I'm suppose to be reading The Mills on the Floss now or Frankenstein. Instead, I am reading Lana Del Ray's think pieces. Any recommendation of music? 

They say I'm too young to love you,
they say I'm too dumb to see
They judge me like a picture book
By the colours like they forgot to read

I think we're like fire and water
I think we're like the wind and sea
You're burning up and I'm cooling down
You're up I'm down. 

Brooklyn Baby - Lana Del Ray 

I love this song from her but I think the artist has serious issues to resolve. On NYT music critic describes her as "campy" and I totally agree. I'm totally following taylor swift's tumblr as well and am considering to abandon Blogger for Tumblr. Just an errant thought. 

Oranges Are not the Only Fruit turns out to be quite touching on the second reading. I died for all my mid terms and the future looks bleak. My literature MCQ had 8 options and some of the answers were "dr a made it up to torture us" which I regret to say, I selected this option as an answer because I utterly have not a single clue what options a-g were about. 

1. 3000 word essay (start soon or die when the month ends) 
2. 2 group projects (love of my life stop asking me to lie) 
3. 1 more mid term in two weeks time. 

C recently started dating and I am so thrilled for her. I honestly thought I will be even a tiniest bit sad for myself or something but for that friend she really deserves it and I'm glad she found love :D things like this cheers me up a lot. 

Happy Sunday everyone :) 
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list of fears
Saturday, September 27, 2014 @ 9/27/2014 11:03:00 PM

Today, a friend of mine asked me, 'why are the fonts in your computer's screen so large'.

I told her I fear I am going blind.

It is true -to say the very least- that I am certain of this and that it is very real. At the rate that I am using my smartphone, laptop and iPad, I don't dare to think what can happen to my eyes. I fear losing my sense of sight. I think this is largely link to the fact that it means I won't be able to read anymore and that is unbearable to contemplate. It also means that I won't be able to appreciate Nature's majestic sceneries and that is also extremely heartbreaking for me.

Here is a list of fears I've discovered about myself:

1. Fear of immediate family dying.
2. Fear of doing incomplete work. That is, planning to do something and never accomplishing it only to regret forever in life.
3. Fear of going blind.
4. Fear of dying alone. I am actually surprised that this is ranked number four but I think blindness outweigh singlehood and a life filled with regret outweighs blindness and so on...

Of course, there are other fears which have not been discovered yet nonetheless, those mentioned above are good enough to keep me fearful for some time. I think it is good to keep a record and use it to scare yourself so you can be mentally prepared to combat them should the situation arises.

I think I should stop being neurotic and get back to work. Did I mention that this week turned out to be a "die week" for me? The "doing" part somehow just crumbled into dusts.
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