To be honest there is nothing much about me worth knowing. I live in an island, enjoys being a photographer at times and dance like no one else business. Thats all. I can't think what to write for now so it just stays like this. Welcome to the little life of mine and lets try not to get utterly bored, shall we?


We're all mad here

Notes on 2014/2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015 @ 1/01/2015 11:54:00 PM

1. I spend the first hour of 2015 eating Ben and Jerry's and watching art auctions in my jammies. This says a lot to me about me. I am finally making peace with my body and embracing the #artgeek in me wholeheartedly.

2. This is followed by intense reading of The Unbearable Lightness of Being which is a fucking awesome book.

3. Social media makes my life feels more exciting than it really is. It is a lie! A lie! I must be conscious of the deliberate curating of my supposedly poignant "life moments" and not actually be deceived by it. It is all bread and circus until the music stops.

4. 2014 is characterized by external changes and movements. 2015 is going to characterized by internal changes and movements and hopefully, with good faith and common sense, achieving a balance between the two worlds.

5. I know I am going to love 2015 because it is going to hurt.With the cracks on my soul and purposeful vulnerability of my heart, I reach for something quiet, in search for purity or some form of the unknown, I seek for a reconciliation between the world of make believe and my world of make believe.

6. I am going to learn yoga.

7. I am going to write and take photos more often.

8. 2014 was a turning point for me academically and socially but a step backwards in terms of essential personal development.

9. James Joyce is a nutter and Virginia Woolf is my savior. I spend more time worshiping authors than studying about them. However, I also understand that it is a phase and I will gradually phase out of it and hopefully it will be a time when I look at an author (dead or alive) squarely in the eye and say, "Your work is fabulous, it helped me so much and it is now time I give something back in return and contribute back to our vision."

10. I need to read more and make decisions faster.

11. Trust myself more.

12. Trust others sometimes.

13. The matter of timing is always tricky and yet so important. We can only wait for it or artificially accelerate it by dancing in one's own room. Nope. I am going to, at the very least, take full advantage of time to do the things I want to do.

14. I officially love Lorde, Taylor Swift and Lena Dunham.

15. Twilight really ain't that bad. 50 Shades of Grey remains questionable (we shall see how the movie goes in 2015).

16. I plan to read 22 books in 6 months. So far, I have already completed 2.
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to read list
Sunday, December 28, 2014 @ 12/28/2014 11:57:00 AM

And here I descend back into reading again! So many books so little time!

Books I plan to read:

1. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
2. An Artist of the Floating World by Kazuo Ishiguro
3. Nobody is Ever Missing by Catherine Lacey
4. The Millennium Trilogy by Steig Larsson
5. The Waves by Virginia Woolf

Books I may read:
1. The Woman in the Wall
2. Gone Girl

Books I am re-reading:
1. The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway

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Saturday, November 29, 2014 @ 11/29/2014 11:17:00 AM

Focus on the positive.
Focus on the positive.
Focus on the-

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I have had my vision...?
Friday, November 28, 2014 @ 11/28/2014 06:47:00 PM

“As for writing, I want to express beauty too…a different kind of beauty, achieve a symmetry by means of infinite discords, showing all the traces of the minds passage through the world; & achieve in the end, some kind of whole made of shivering fragments; to me this seems the natural process; the flight of the mind.”
— Virginia Woolf in an early journalA Passionate Apprentice: The Early Journals,1897-1909 
I feel like if I can have every conversation my way, I will talk about Virginia Woolf all day long. About how incredible her mind works and how she is able to express all of it in her writing and how her writing survived up till now for me to devour it. I worship her. I adore her. I wish she did not die the way she did but I guess it could not have gone any other way.

I am so grateful for all my literature modules this semester. It was everything which I had expected and so much more. I am aware however, that this moment shall pass but for now, I remain convinced that without it, I will have nothing. Be nothing. Empty.

And that's what she taught me. Nothing lasts forever. Time passes. Anything one desperately holds on will not remain forever. Now why will you need to read a bloody difficult book to understand the simple truth of that? Because it is not for the lack of trying. Because her art is a testament of the opposite. Because. Because. Because.

For me, I felt that given the choices Virginia had, she did her best. There is beauty in her efforts and her results are beautiful. Almost painful to bear because she makes me realize how much more I have to achieve. To make moments of transience, transcendental. I am in awe and humbled to be a woman in this world.

Turning twenty-one, To the Lighthouse is the book that defines this year for me. However, I also want to mention that having read T.S Eliot, John Keats, Jeanette Winterson (I am dying to meet her) and Charlotte Bronte, I am really impressed of the wealth of knowledge and potentials they have offered for me and for the world. Echoing the spirit of the modern artist when they say "art is religion", I believe it is true for me as it is for them. I want to believe.

On a side note: I am no fan of George Eliot and James Joyce.

I am officially going Europe! I have been accepted to the University of Gothenburg in Sweden from Jan-June 2015. I am exhilarated, nervous and pessimistic. I cannot shake off the feeling that I am going to have too high expectations and end up falling flat. Before that, I must say that I am going Cambodia this December as the final conclusion to my-try-everything resolution of 2014 and hopefully, by performing service learning, it will allow me to find out more about myself and the rest of the world.

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Monday, November 3, 2014 @ 11/03/2014 11:04:00 PM

i am so drained, deadbeat and disappointed at myself. i think i have really just hit a low point with lit and i dont even know how much lower it can get because i think i created this personal hell for myself. its like you have so many expectations and you really really want to do good but in the end, these expectations just really blind you doing anything and accomplishing what you originally wanted to accomplish in the first place.

its always your own shackles that are the hardest to break and I think i can attest to this fact.

never felt so emotional over something so mundane like an essay. never felt more mentally weak and vulnerable over something like a piece of paper with words on it. (plus its my own writing).

whether it gets worse or better, i think i am too exhausted to feel much. just let me go overseas already, i think to myself. but right after that, i get disgusted with such thoughts. clarity of thoughts is translated in clarity in writing. i need to think clearly. anyhow, i will survive. i dont even know if i should be romanticising such struggle or not because honestly, the fact that im feeling it now sucks. as much as i want to tell myself oh, i can do this and there is so much more to learn when you fail than when you succeed which i agree in my head but cannot understand this with my heart.

please, let me let me get what i want this time.
no no this will be the first time...

i was happy in a place of a drunken hour
but heaven knows im miserable now
in my life
why do i give valuable time
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Wednesday, October 29, 2014 @ 10/29/2014 03:58:00 PM

i am with you
as you are with me
as i am part of the world
part of a whole
part of everything.

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lit geek rant
Wednesday, October 22, 2014 @ 10/22/2014 11:37:00 PM

i am indeed studying TS Eliot! omgomg..because of the series of unfortunate events -and now i remember! I remember feeling really familiar things about him...and leta soh and my memory is all a blur because even though clearly i do not know him per say, I read his works with no intention of ever reading it again because I obviously did not understand modernism wait i mean Modernism back then who would? I was in Primary school! Haha i wonder if it is some prophetic calling since young because now that im living my younger self dreams of finding out more about writers like him, the pain is very real and he is indeed really boring but in a fascinating way. no wonder i subconsciously didnt like him before his name pops out and now i recall it was because of the influence from TSOUE and the author distinctly called him a boring poet hahahaa and Prufrock school references and the Baudelaire kids. Ah! and Esme Squalor. turns out Esme is really the lover of TS Eliot. No wonder no wonder.

and joyce! oh dear joyce! james joyce! I really did learn to appreciate his works when i'm 21! this is really me striking off a legit to-do-list i gave myself when i was 17! I remembered HAHAAHHAA i mean i dont like to read his books forever but i think there is a lot of merits in modernism. It's like looking at really good art or having really sweet chocolates you cant have too much. It makes you dizzy. having said that, I cried again reading woolf.

alas, grades wise, I am stumbling. it is horribly depressing. i feel horrible. but nevermind. dont give up i still have a few more weeks left and im dying to complete my essays. it is really stressful but i think i will be very happy once it's over. especially the Romanticism 3000 words one. i just feel really stress for that module in general.

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