throughthelookingglass
about
To be honest there is nothing much about me worth knowing. I live in an island, enjoys being a photographer at times and dance like no one else business. Thats all. I can't think what to write for now so it just stays like this. Welcome to the little life of mine and lets try not to get utterly bored, shall we?

archives


We're all mad here


Catharsis and change
Sunday, February 23, 2014 @ 2/23/2014 10:46:00 PM

Do you take it I would astonish?Does the daylight astonish? Does the early redstart, twittering through the woods?Do I astonish more than they?
I set myself up for such great expectations only to fall for great disappointments.

It's like being hit with a massive wave of emptiness that I cannot comprehend. I haven't told anyone about it yet but I briefly discussed it with a few friends last night. However, I did not dare express the full extent of my angst because that will be coming off as depressing and unfriendly. And I didn't want that to happen. As much as some people believe that friends are there for emotional support I prefer to think that I should not impose such a ridiculous burden on them + it wouldn't make practical sense because they wouldn't be able to help me either. It will just make myself seem whiny and needy instead, desperate for unwarranted attention.
Who goes there? hankering, gross, mystical, nude;How is it I extract strength from the beef I eat?
What is a man, anyhow? What am I? What are you?
All I mark as my own, you shall offset it with your own;Else it were time lost listening to me

These days, I seem unable to connect with anyone. Things just happen around me, I am merely an organism part of the colossal ecosystem; drifting, breathing but not really living. I feel lost, I'm questioning who I am as a person and if I'm even doing anything with my life.

I am nothing but a bystander of my own life. A voyeur as I watch my self act and react normally. I have pleasant conversations with friends. I take meals with my family. I try to do my best work.

The stability is frightening. Whatever I do is not enough. I sound like a spoilt first-world brat don't I? I decided to do community work. The emptiness isn't leaving me but rather gaining speed, it feeds off my insecurities and grows steadily. I have been feeling like this ever since the year begun but I don't think I showed it too much (obviously). People are good at concealing stuff and sometimes, I think I try to hide it from myself too. I want it so much to be ok but it is not ok and the problem does not go away. Things start to go downhill as I pretend I'm alright but I don't feel alright and as I celebrate so many people turning 21, I feel like the last thing I really want is to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not.
In all people I see myself—none more, and not one a barleycorn less;And the good or bad I say of myself, I say of them.
And I know I am solid and sound;To me the converging objects of the universe perpetually flow;All are written to me, and I must get what the writing means.
I know I am deathless;I know this orbit of mine cannot be swept by the carpenter’s compass;I know I shall not pass like a child’s carlacue cut with a burnt stick at night.
I know I am august;I do not trouble my spirit to vindicate itself or be understood;I see that the elementary laws never apologize;(I reckon I behave no prouder than the level I plant my house by, after all.)
I exist as I am—that is enough;If no other in the world be aware, I sit content;And if each and all be aware, I sit content.

I watch flaccidly as I began to grow weary of my interactions with most people. I do not feel like talking. I lose interest easily. I do not feel like reading. Even I scare myself sometimes. There is no point trying to find the cause and fixing it because I think the best way forward is to move on.

All this writing though has been catharsis for me. In fact, this blog has helped me tremendously.  But there are a few things which I have been considering for quite a while and I think closing the blog is one of them. I cannot continue to engage in this blog anymore. 5 years. It's like breaking up with a very close friend. I don't even know if I'm deliberating inflicting emotional pain/anxiety/distress on myself just to feel something these days... but but that's a whole other thing. For this, I'm quite sure that as much as I love this blog, I cannot go on over here. It's heading nowhere. Like my life right now which means it serves no purpose whatsoever and I feel useless over here.

Instead, I will be taking a break from rambling nonsense and try to finish what I have started. My lovely nonsensical life since 16 ahhhhh the joys when I re-read my first post. The embarrassment. I'm really grateful for any readers I ever had. To those that followed this blog, thank you. The grammar is horrid, I know. If you would be so kind for this final post kindly leave your digital footprints here in my old cbox. You don't have to type your real name you know, just initials will be fine. I always wanted to know who reads my blog secretly because sometimes they don't reveal themselves but end up knowing stuff I have never told them about except typing it online. I have unblock my cbox too to make it easier to leave comments so please please please do.

I will try to return to writing online again once I manage to get a nicer webpage design and have decent stuff to write about. At the meanwhile I tweet @allisongoh and have an insta @wuyingli :))) No new plans or ideas yet but any suggestions/help are welcome. I love you downtherrabbithole and I still do. Perhaps when we meet again and I'm reunited with you it will be on happier times because you have been such a uplifting virtual online platform to me. I hope to see you soon because you remind me of a so much more carefree and simpler times that I had in Secondary School and Junior College.

There was never any more inception than there is now,Nor any more youth or age than there is now;And will never be any more perfection than there is now,Nor any more heaven or hell than there is now.
 - Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass. 

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Recess Week.
Saturday, February 22, 2014 @ 2/22/2014 02:57:00 PM

RECESS WEEK IS HERE! I have been waiting for you since forever where have you been my love?
I will be uploading congratulatory photos soon I think...

I have no idea why I'm so palpably happy because I have plenty of assignments due after this.

Things to do:

1. Film Studies essay. Must watch scene from "Notorious" again.
2. Watch the movie "Dead Again".
3. Catch up on Biz Law textbook.
4. Finish SE1101E project. Politics.
5. Catch up on Film Studies textbook.
6. Catch up on SC2204 lectures and notes.
7. Figure out the Biz Law project by hook or by crook. Google Lemon Law.

Things to attend:

1.3 hours long English Revision with China student on Monday.
2. Evening of Poetry and Music on Wednesday.
3. Audrey's Birthday!
4. 2hr30min lesson on Monday with another student.
5. Breakfast with Vivien Chua on Tuesday!!
6. Consultation and Group Project Meeting on Wednesday.

This is going to be one hell of a week!

Monday:

11-1pm: Do number 1. and 2. from "to-do" list.
2-4.30pm: Lessons with a kid.
6.30-930pm: In school for lessons.
Try and do number 4. at night.

Tuesday:

10am: Breakfast with Viv.
Do number 3. and bring home if unable to complete reading.
2.30-5pm lessons at home.

Wednesday:

Try and wake up early to complete 3.
2pm: Consult in school plus project group meeting.
7-9pm: Find someone to attend evening of poetry and music with me. (its free!)

Thursday& Friday:

Finish whatever that is incomplete on the rest of the list from 5-7 in an air-conditioned area- say Utown. I am hoping to casually bump into Cecilia Cheung there. LIKE WTF Audrey told me she's there!

BUT AT LEAST FOR NOW, before anything actually begins, I feel so pumped for the break. *does random push-ups on the ground*. I have been craving for some Me-Time ever since CNY ended. I will be having an impromptu meeting with Shimin and Jiayue tonight. Unfortunately, I left my contact lens in the dorm which means my outfits are restricted to whatever suits my glasses :(
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6 ways to delete a memory.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014 @ 2/19/2014 10:57:00 PM

Today I will teach you how to forget your worst nightmare.

1. Take a waterbottle. Any bottle. Or anything that takes the shape of a box.

2. Think of your embarrassing moment in its finest glory.You will need a few minutes.

3. Done? Great! Now pull it out slowly from your head to the very tips of your fingers. Can you feel it move? The burning sensation. Yes. Ok that is half the job done.

4. Now stand up. Jump and spin yourself round for three to five times. This is to ensure that it is really out of your mind.

5. This is the hardest step. Removing the memory from your heart. The heart is more fickle and refuses to cooperate unlike the mind. Stab it when this happen. Make the stabbing action. Hold your breath. It is an uncomfortable moment.

6. Breathe out into the container. Voila! You have now successfully remove the memory you want to delete. Throw the container away and wish that everyone forgets about what happened.

In six simple steps you have now mastered the art of selective forgetting. Tomorrow when the sun rises again, it will be another day. Remember do not blog about it as well so that next time you ever need to look back in the past you won't be able to retrace what exactly happened.


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Tuesday, February 18, 2014 @ 2/18/2014 11:45:00 AM

I'm hesitant to blog these days because I don't know what I want to write. I'm going through some sort of mini crisis. It's infuriating really because suddenly I'm feeling as if my words are failing me. And also the fact that I'm a failure for thinking that my words are failing me. Haven't picked up a pen for so long. I can do short sentences but complex ones burn me. 

I think it's the lack of retail therapy. I keep reminding myself that I shouldn't be a slave to consumerism. I must run today.

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Fishy's booth
Thursday, February 13, 2014 @ 2/13/2014 04:40:00 PM

What to do when kids from 
Ntu and smu 
Come out to play :)

 
I'm so impressed by my friend's dedication :D how can she find time to do work and do shirts? 

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Tuesday, February 4, 2014 @ 2/04/2014 09:23:00 PM

New Year is over and Valentine is coming. My friends are gone and I am detached. O me O life
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if I can't change anything about myself
Saturday, January 25, 2014 @ 1/25/2014 05:59:00 PM

I think I'm really enjoying my days before tutorials start for school. I can't describe exactly what I'm doing now except that because of my new year resolution, I'm getting myself into tons of good and some questionably good(?) events.

I had an awesome brunch with Kristy on Thursday at excessively expensive Hatched@Holland V and because she was starving, we ate everything rather rapidly without bothering to take any pictures. What a pity because I think the eggs (while overpriced) were Insta-worthy!

Head back to NUS and I managed to finish some work before going to CAPT for free dinner! Audrey was sweet to invite us over for the Ramly Burgers specials and I learned how to play Cards Against Humanity. Can't say much about that except that well...my new found friends are secretly all perverts.

Friday rolled into one huge timeless vortex. I woke up 730am and read some dated article by Davis and Moore theory about inequality. At 10am Bx and I met and learned loads from a NUS Enterprise adviser who helped us reassessed my competence in tons of different areas of business. Then I had back-to-back lectures of SouthEast Asia Studies and Sociology which were especially draining (ok the latter was slightly better because the readings of D&M @7am made more sense after the Prof went through with us) and by the time I went home for dinner with my family, I was rather burned out.

Dad was being super high and both of us started an Acapella duo in the car to the huge irritation of my mum and sister. Grandmother brought my baby cousin out as well and like the Brady Brunch we went IKEA and chaos ensued. I realized I'm not fit to look after a four year old brat baby after I ACCIDENTALLY bumped her head on the floor and made her blabbed less. I felt mostly horrified but wee teeny bit pleased. Honestly, she's spoilt rotten and has a horrid temper.

Ok so January is nearly ending!! (Hyperventilates! 5 more months to become an adult I must do all my stupid stuff!) Before I continue on about my Friday night/Saturday morning, let me first refer you back to my last Dec 2013 "if I can change a few things about myself" post.

So I talk about basically being more fit, more disciplined and be more open to stuff? Well screw all that. I think I must have more REALISTIC and ACHIEVABLE goals.

People are always talking about doing stuff. You know, becoming someone better, taking action. I THINK THAT'S NEVER REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. Let me reexamine what I said:

1. Be more fit? Like WTF. I stuck to that for a while before the heat of January overpowered my weak willpower and I ended up binge eating CNY goodies.

2. Be more disciplined. HAHAHA I can't believe I actually said that. HAHAHAHAHA #timeswhenIfeellikeanidiot #completeidiot #lol #fuckingidiot HAHAHA I'm really laughing at myself. About myself. 

3. Be more open to things. Ok so I want to talk a little more about this point because it is precisely of 3. that makes me feel like my life is blowing out of proportions and I'm doing strange stuff which I will never expect myself to do.

Back to Friday night. I agreed to go try out a new club with Cheryl and Janice in 3inches high stilettos. Dashed out of my house at 11pm. I'm so proud that I could dance/move/run in those. C'mon and my friends were proud of me too lol I guess we were all so amazed at my new found height and the glitter on the soles. We were on guest list of the opening of some new club which means no fees+free drinks.

Clarke Quay at night felt like a jungle. Oh and I forgot to mention we didn't just go a club we went two clubs the second at Marina.  I felt 21 (5.30am outside the club). I feel 41 now as I'm typing this exactly 12 hours later (5.30pm at home in jammies). My contact lens were in my eyes for a full 22 hours (7.30am-5.30am). 10 hours past the appropriate hours.

This is really part of me trying my best to fulfill 3. Laugh all you want but saying yes to so many events is blowing up in front of my face. I am irritated, exasperated, amazed and overwhelmed by all these experiences. In fact, since the last post which I made that funny resolution of mine till today, I can list at least 20 events which I said yes to but I normally would never agree to going.

The thing is if I were to put them in a Venn Diagram between stuff that I surprisingly enjoyed and stuff I did that made me want to kill myself: there will be a strange intersection of Sets A and B. I have mixed feelings. Because if I never said yes to them, I will never have known. Like never. I will just assumed that it sucked. But sometimes they don't.

So all in all, I don't regret anything. Seriously I don't. Maybe I will after a while. (Give me some time I wouldn't be amazed if I came back and write a reply post to this post again which is also ironically a reply to my Dec post... ah ah I think I can feel my sorethroat acting up already because of the Flaming Lamborghini. *what a cheesy but highly appropriate name for an alcoholic drink* It was like drinking fire or heat. The drink literally has flames and when I drank it, my throat felt super hot and dry and as I shit this toxic son-of-a-bitch out my butthole a few hours later it is well-you get the idea. Ooooh I thought of the tittle for the reply post "if I can't change anything about myself" and the reply reply post will be "be myself" HAHAHAHA I'm so lame).

HERE's whats going to happen instead. Rather then activetly doing stuff becoming someone, I'm going to try the OPPOSITE, I'm going to NOT do stuff which indirectly will lead me to doing stuff. This is really complicated stuff and if you don't understand me, well you're pardoned.

1. Do not waste time. Every time I waste time, I shall force myself to think about this lack of action and well don't do it.

2. Do not eat. Ok fine maybe it should say "Do not eat so much" but do not eat is simpler and waaaay easier to remember than keep fit.

3. Do not have a mental breakdown.

See! Easy Peasy! Easily fulfill-able and sustainable ideas in the long run. Worse come to worse I can use my final card that is I only turn 21 on the 30th June so technically, I can do allll the stupid stuff I want to do BEFORE the 30th and then become an adult right AFTER. Exactly half a year to 50-50 child/adult. Tada! But that will be cheating myself :(
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